Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
sex in a hospital.. check
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Randomize
