MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
