just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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