I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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