You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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