Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
