This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
