She's JV to your varsity
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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