never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you made out with another girl for some wings
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
