All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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