Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
