You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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