Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Who put my cat in the fridge?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
