I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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