u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
