did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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