Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
