he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
