no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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