Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
