This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
