when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
