Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
