If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I have tasted many bathrooms
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
