Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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