why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Dear god my vagina.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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