He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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