If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
