She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
