So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
