Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
