my room smells like sperm. sweet.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
