Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
