my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
