Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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