Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Woke up backwards on a recliner
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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