i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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