we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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