i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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