is your mom at the bar?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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