I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
