What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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