If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
