You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
