dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
