so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize