I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
