Little spoons don't ask big questions
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
