Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
