the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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