how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
