Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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