It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
